Fear can be instilled through immediate personal experience, or it can be indirectly inherited via societal factors such as precautionary warnings or the simple observation of others. Most parents teach their children to be cautious of specific dangers, such as a fire hazard or traffic on the road–and unwittingly plant the seed of proximity fears in them. In these examples, fear can be useful, because it keeps the child keenly aware of their surroundings and helps protect them from obvious and potential physical harm.
The symptoms of fear may evolve as children mature. For example, the fears of being alone in the dark or discovering demons under the bed may be substituted with fears of robbery or violence, as they become ever more exposed to news events. Experiencing fears are an integral part of growing up—and so is learning to overcome them. However, children can also begin developing anxieties, anticipating unknown fears of situations that have yet to manifest.
For some children, a fear of failure presents such a profound psychological threat, that their motivation to avoid failure overshadows their motivation to try. This fear of failure may insensibly paralyse them and their eventual chance of learning and success. Learning to cope with fear isn’t always easy for children. It’s especially difficult for some kids who learn and think differently. They may have trouble processing information and keeping their emotions in check spontaneously.
Let’s face it: the present complexities in academic competitiveness in Singapore, in combination with the demands of our formal education system, have planted our children in a particularly vulnerable psychological position. Sometimes, in an ignorant effort to help our kids, we say things like “There’s nothing to be afraid of” or “Don’t worry about it.” This however doesn’t make your child less afraid. Instead, it can carry the misleading message that you expect your child to “just get over it” or that you don’t believe your child is genuinely fearful. Not taking your child’s fears seriously can make your child assume it’s normal to be afraid and perpetually live in a state of anxiousness. Or that it’s OK to not talk to you about it and further suppress it within themselves.
The fundamental problem with addressing the fear of failure is that it tends to operate on a sub-conscious level, not just for kids but adults alike. Children are quick to blame themselves for failure, and parents hedge against it even if they pay lip service to the noble concept of accepting trial and error as a part of life.
Here are two important things you can do right now to help your child overcome the fear of failure in his/her life:
1) To begin, help your child acknowledge the fear; it is vital to accept that failure makes your child feel both fear and embarrassment. Bringing these feelings to the surface can help prevent them from being expressed through malicious efforts to self-sabotage. When we provide a non-judgemental listening ear to our children, we also give them the reassurance and empathy from a trusted other—which bolsters their self-worth and diminishes the feelings of disappointment.
2) Redefine what failure means. Behind many fears is a nagging worry about doing something wrong, looking comparatively weaker or not meeting the expectations of some other—perhaps a parent or teacher. For example, you can help your child reframe a situation they’re dreading, like an imminent examination, and help them perceive differently before they attempt it. Remind them that whatever the result, the essential human value of who they are remains intact and unabated. This helps them learn that the chips aren’t always going to fall where they want them to, but if they can understand the deeper reality going in, they can prepare themselves to wring the most value out of the experience—whatever the outcome.
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